Nursing a heart

It may sound unusual for me, but this topic is timely, especially before the hearts day. (pagbigyan nyo na ako, minsan lang ito, LOL).

Anyway, I have been pressing on to be single for life for the past several years. Even at times I had chances to commit myself to very fine ladies, after knowing they’re ready for a relationship already, I would chicken out since, I would find the relationship as “cheap thrills” for me. As if the relationship would be just be a waste of time and effort for both me and the girl.

I thought, it would be for my best interest, and for the people around me, to consider being single for life. I have a son to rear at the same time, being the eldest child, I feel I am responsible in taking care of my mom in the near future, since my dad passed away.

So, I thought I can be single for the rest of my life.

I have had my times with great women. They would even tell me that I should think of my future… like who’s going to take care of me when my son is already a grown up. And when things start to get serious, I would jokingly tell them that’s the reason I want to be rich, by the time I am old, I would hire caregivers to take care of me. I know the intentions that they have for me are good but I have never given so much thought about settling down with somebody.

It never sinked-in to me until just recently. When I least expected it.

It’s all about this girl (ofcourse, not a boy, LOL) I barely know the girl, and she barely knows me (and that’s the tough part).

I can see the elegance behind her simplicity. Her discipline behind her actions… Her character behind her gestures… the consistency in her manner shows much of her beauty inside out.

Recently, as I prayed. I find myself praying for her, more and more. A gesture I, honestly, don’t do much. Yeah I do pray for other people, but not as much as I prayed for her, considering that I don’t know her that much.

The funny part is that I haven’t even started courting nor even telling to her my intentions. And that most probably, she might have boyfriend (ofcourse, I’m not bad enough to pray that they be separated, that’s not a lie – believe me. hehehehehe)

Amidst all those circumstances, I find myself praying even more and letting God do as He wanted. Asking Him more for wisdom and understanding than asking Him to change the circumstances in favor of me.

I find it very interesting…  realizing, I have changed so much. Funny, but more importantly, it revealed the true color of my heart. I’m not the old selfish me in praying.

If I may say, though I asked God for her heart and hand for me, but at the end of my prayer, I would ask God to do His will not mine.

Now I find myself wondering what kind of love story God has in store for me? (Cheezy point again. LOL).

Going back to the girl, I had a chance to chit-chat with THE GIRL.  Somehow, we were able to talk about “THE GIRL” I desire now. I told her about my prayer for the girl. She said she find it very sweet of me to pray for the girl and to dedicate her to God. And she added that I would be a blessing to the girl if ever we end up together.

Would she still find it a blessing, if she only knew it is her? Hahahahaha!

Anyway, whatever happens, the more important thing about this new phase in my life is the lessons I’m learning.

I learned that truly God restores us in the form that He wants us to be. We may have come from the pit of very awful past, but God can restore us in ways we may not be able to fathom. Like for instance in my case, it was an “excuse” for me to be single – but now as I dig deeper into me, it was my way of saying “God, I quit already of you providing for me a partner”. As if I’ve already given up that God has that perfect girl for me.

You can’t share something you don’t have. And I believe that God has restored me in a way that I may be able to share my life to a partner.

Sometimes when we thought that God is over in changing our lives, the more we will be surprised that He has more things in store for us – the best things in store for us.

Second, that I learned to see what are the things in me that I don’t let Him to lord over me.

Third, I learned that the more I rely on Him, the more that I pray, the more that I’m changed.

Forth, the essence of remaining faithful and pure for that person you would like to settle with – even before you meet him / her. And that’s the most important value I’ve learned now. I’ve had my fair share of  “misdeeds” in the past and I realize, it may have given me “temporary” pleasures, but never did it gave me joy and fulfillment. No wonder now, I experience this kind of joy inside, because I have a pure intention for a girl at the same time I want to be faithful and pure as well.

Fifth, the more uncertainties we have, the more we should rely onto God.

Truly, God nursed my heart to a form I was not so much aware of myself. He restored that soft spot in me that I was trying to shield for a long time from anyone – even Him. The only way that I feel we can truly love others, if we experience how God has loved us. The way He changed my view of Him, changed the way I love – for God is love.

And I find myself now, seeking a nurse. Maybe God will use a nurse to nurse my heart for a lifetime. Hahahahaha!

On a side note, do you suggest that the I change the title should be the “cheezy side of me” than nursing a heart. LOL